Valentine’s Day. For some, it’s a celebration of love and connection. For others, it’s a reminder of what’s missing. But whether you’re single or in a relationship, this day often brings a unique kind of pressure.
But what if Valentine’s Day didn’t have to be about meeting external expectations? What if, instead, it became an opportunity to focus on the one person you’ll always be with: you?
As therapists, we spend a lot of time talking with our clients about relationships—their struggles, their patterns, and their hopes. Over time, we’ve come to see a universal truth: The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.
Self-love isn’t selfish or indulgent; it’s essential. It sets the tone for every other relationship in your life.
Why Self-Love Matters in Relationships
People often think self-love is something you either have or don’t. But the truth is, self-love is a practice—a choice you make over and over. And when you don’t make that choice, the consequences ripple through every aspect of your life, especially your relationships.
When you don’t love yourself, you might find yourself prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own—not because you want to, but because deep down, you don’t believe your needs matter as much. Research shows that low self-esteem is associated with higher levels of relationship dependence and a greater likelihood of tolerating unhealthy dynamics (Whisman & Uebelacker, 2006). You might rely on your partner for validation, leaving you feeling empty if they don’t. Or worse, you might tolerate mistreatment because deep down, you believe you don’t deserve any better.
But when you practice self-love, everything shifts. You stop compromising your boundaries, you approach challenges with steadiness, and you’re able to give and receive love in a way that feels meaningful and balanced. Studies show that individuals with higher self-esteem are better able to engage in positive relationship behaviors, such as effective communication and mutual respect (Murray, Holmes, & Griffin, 2000). Self-love doesn’t just change how you feel about yourself—it changes how you show up in relationships.
Here are three ways self-love transforms relationships:
1. Self-Love Grounds You: Self-love is what keeps you anchored in who you are, even in the context of a relationship. Research shows that individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to experience a weaker sense of identity, which can lead to conforming to a partner’s expectations at the expense of their own (Kernis et al., 2000).
When you cultivate self-love, you build a strong, rooted sense of self. This foundation allows you to maintain your individuality while still connecting deeply with your partner. You show up authentically—no masks, no pretending, no fear of disappearing into someone else’s life.
2. Self-Love Promotes Emotional Stability: Loving yourself means you stop looking for a partner to complete you. Instead, you approach relationships as a whole, emotionally grounded person. Research has found that higher self-esteem reduces insecurities and fears of abandonment, leading to more stable relationships (Erol & Orth, 2016).
When you’re emotionally stable, you’re less likely to react out of fear or defensiveness during conflicts. Instead, you engage in thoughtful, constructive conversations, which strengthens trust and connection. Emotional stability doesn’t mean you never struggle—it means you know how to navigate those struggles with grace and resilience.
“Outstanding love doesn’t come from two half-fulfilled people coming together to make one whole, complete life. Outstanding love comes from two whole people coming together to share and enhance their already full and beautiful lives.” -Pia Scade
Self-Love Balances Dynamics: Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect and independence. When you value yourself, you’re less likely to fall into patterns of codependency or domination. Instead, you create space for both partners to grow—individually and together.
Research indicates that individuals with strong self-worth are less likely to exhibit or tolerate codependent behaviors, where one partner relies excessively on the other for emotional stability or self-esteem (Knudson-Martin & Mahoney, 2009).
Self-love also allows you to model this balance for your partner, setting the tone for a relationship rooted in equality and mutual growth.
How to Practice Self-Love
Self-love isn’t about bubble baths or expensive indulgences—though those things can be lovely. At its core, self-love is how you treat yourself, how you talk to yourself, even when no one’s watching. Here are some ways you can start:
- Set Boundaries: Learn to say no. Whether it’s declining an invitation or stepping away from a toxic relationship, boundaries are a way of protecting your energy and well-being.
- Prioritize Self-Care: This isn’t about doing what’s trendy or Instagram-worthy; it’s about doing what nourishes you. Maybe that’s journaling, going for a walk, eating your favourite healthy meal, or reconnecting with an old hobby.
- Affirming Your Worth: Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself. Replace criticism with self-compassion.
- Celebrate Your Independence: Relationships are beautiful, but they shouldn’t be your only source of joy. Find fulfillment in your own life—whether through friendships, passions, or work—so you can bring your best self to a relationship.
A Word About Loving Yourself in a Relationship
As therapists, we often get asked, “What if I’m already in a relationship and don’t love myself? Does that mean I have to leave to figure it out?” The answer is no. You can learn to love yourself while staying in your relationship—it just takes awareness and effort.
Here’s how:
- Maintain some independence. Keep your own hobbies, friendships, and rituals so you don’t lose your sense of self.
- Don’t rely on your partner to make you happy. Of course they can enhance your happiness, but it’s your job to cultivate it to begin with.
- Ask your partner what they love about you—and believe them. Hearing their perspective can help you see yourself through a more compassionate lens.
Remember, self-love isn’t just about being perfect. It’s about embracing your humanity. When you mess up, forgive yourself. When you feel unlovable, challenge that belief.
Love Is an Action
We often think of love as a feeling, but really, it’s an action. It’s something we choose to do—whether it’s for someone else or for ourselves. This Valentine’s Day, choose to act in ways that reflect self-love. It can be as simple as taking more time for you and saying no when you feel like it. Over time, those small actions will amount to shaping how you see yourself and, in turn, how you show up in your relationships.
Because when you love yourself, you’re not just giving yourself the ultimate gift. You’re also giving the people around you the best version of you—a person who knows their worth, sets boundaries, and loves deeply from a place of wholeness, not need.
And isn’t that what love is all about?
Sources & Further Reading
- Forbes Article: 3 Reasons Why Self-Love Fuels Romantic Love—From A Psychologist
- My Well Being Blog Post: Self-Love, Especially on Valentine’s Day
- Esther Perel: The Myth of Self-Love
- Tiny Buddha: How to Develop Self-Love and Why This Will Strengthen Your Relationship
- Whisman, M. A., & Uebelacker, L. A. (2006). “Attachment and relationship functioning in couples.” Clinical Psychology Review.
- Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (2000). “Self-esteem and the quest for felt security: How perceived regard regulates attachment processes.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
- Kernis, M. H., Paradise, A. W., et al. (2000). “Master of one’s domain: The role of self-esteem stability in identity formation.” Journal of Personality.
- Erol, R. Y., & Orth, U. (2016). “Self-esteem and the quality of romantic relationships.” European Psychologist.
- Knudson-Martin, C., & Mahoney, A. R. (2009). “Codependency: Gender implications.” Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy.
